here i am sleeping at the altar, drinking the
holy water like cough syrup. here i am beneath
the stained glass window trying to cheat death
i paint my body with the ashes of this holy fire, line
my too-light eyes with charcoal. i am learning how to
see clearly in the darkness. my southern sky
constellation, my nighttime ocean, i am holding you
against me as if i can stop the waves from
crashing. i am controlling the tide for you. i
wash away the blood as if there will not be
more. bathe in the iron, my name becomes a
copper coin on your tongue. blessed be.
beloved. i want you to say this until it feels real
until you know the color of an electric candle
in a room shrouded in darkness. until you learn
your own holiness. beloved. give me your
hand, let me show you this night sky crystallized
i am creating a home in my body for your
heaviness. i am hanging holly and lilies from
the ceiling, singing and closing all the windows
i will trap myself inside, sleep tangled in the arms
of your trauma. i search your hair for rings as if
in a tree cut, charting every loss, every cruelty
every time the weight of personhood nearly
ruined you. beloved, i am beading your resin
tears. i hold them like a rosary, like a lover.
don't search for me, don't ask me why i had to
adorn this shrine with dead flowers, dried
juniper, torn clothing, my own teeth
you know it takes sacrifice to reach sanctity
holy water like cough syrup. here i am beneath
the stained glass window trying to cheat death
i paint my body with the ashes of this holy fire, line
my too-light eyes with charcoal. i am learning how to
see clearly in the darkness. my southern sky
constellation, my nighttime ocean, i am holding you
against me as if i can stop the waves from
crashing. i am controlling the tide for you. i
wash away the blood as if there will not be
more. bathe in the iron, my name becomes a
copper coin on your tongue. blessed be.
beloved. i want you to say this until it feels real
until you know the color of an electric candle
in a room shrouded in darkness. until you learn
your own holiness. beloved. give me your
hand, let me show you this night sky crystallized
i am creating a home in my body for your
heaviness. i am hanging holly and lilies from
the ceiling, singing and closing all the windows
i will trap myself inside, sleep tangled in the arms
of your trauma. i search your hair for rings as if
in a tree cut, charting every loss, every cruelty
every time the weight of personhood nearly
ruined you. beloved, i am beading your resin
tears. i hold them like a rosary, like a lover.
don't search for me, don't ask me why i had to
adorn this shrine with dead flowers, dried
juniper, torn clothing, my own teeth
you know it takes sacrifice to reach sanctity
✱✱✱
| Skylar Thayer is a non-binary femme from Tulsa, Oklahoma. They are commonly referred to as the devil with grey hair. They can be found at kingcisphobia.tumblr.com |
