dolores by nadia gerassimenko

there are voids between
my regressions of you.
only feelings linger still
heavy & haunting
taking me back,
piecing missing parts
of the whole:
 
i bled at ten the first time,
my breasts ripened at twelve.
exploring my sex, i dreamt of
mature men inside me,
i never dreamt of you.
you eyed me from my
pubescence. i didn’t know
you claimed me as your lolita
even then, even if
i didn’t want you.
 
you touched me anyways
while i had no consent,
nor could i separate
a simple touch from yours.
did you think me stupid?
there were witnesses watching.
i ever wonder, could they tell?
& if they did, why shrug it off?
complicated life is not convenient--
my excuse for years.
 
tell me, did she ever sense her
gut feeling? when trouble
hailed your paradise.
when you sealed your lips
soiling mine making yourself
whole for the night. did she?
still i feel your putrid spit
i can’t spit out years after.
i vowed to never be alone
with you, even in company.
i feared you, convulsing
from within. more so,
complicated life was
not convenient for us.
i hushed my sorrow
back to sleep.

✱✱✱

Nadia Gerassimenko is a Media Relations Manager for Yeti Culture and Assistant Editor at Luna Luna Magazine by day, a moonchild and poet by night. Nadia self-published her first poetry collection Moonchild Dreams (2015) and hopes to republish it traditionally. She's currently working on her second chapbook, a chair, a monologue. Visit her at tepidautumn.net or tweet her at @tepidautumn.